Jan. 1st, 2015 10:28 am
levade: (freckles)
Do you ever feel like you’re the only one who doesn’t get it? Get what? Life, love, friendship, politics in the workplace. How to dress for success. How to not look like you’re dying while you workout.

Everyone around me seems to have it together. They ‘got it’, and I have to wonder… Was I sick that day they passed out the understanding? I was probably reading and didn’t even hear the announcement.

Even on Pinterest I feel like I just pin things I like or think are funny. Then I see other’s boards and they’re like coffee table books, with the nice pictures and pretty words. Mine? More like someone threw darts and they landed on hugely different things all piled into one grocery cart.

I think it comes down to this. Whatever gene other women got that allows them to decorate a home to look pulled-together and comfy, or put together outfits that look classy or get and keep haircuts that look great no matter what?

I didn’t get that.

I got the klutzy bangs into corners and clips knees on tables and stumbles on the rug, and has a cluttered (but clean!) home with comfy chairs, and hair that can’t decide if it’s curly or just plain frizzy and never looks good unless you comb it every five minutes. I got the gene that gives dark circles under your eyes no matter how much sleep you get, and the gene that says getting less than six hours of sleep means you will be a zombie all the live-long day.

I just never fit in, and I guess I never really wanted to because to be honest? It looked like a ton of work to keep up with all that. And I just would rather spend time reading or taking a walk with a rambly hound, or walking through a field of mustard grass to visit the horses and getting horse hair all over my shirt because hello? You can’t just walk past a horse who sticks his head out and rumbles a greeting at you. I would rather laugh too loud because dang! THAT was funny! I would rather be quiet if I sense someone is having a bad day than say something that might make it worse. I would rather do something for someone who is hurting than offer words that they probably won’t hear.

And yes, I do live in my own world too much. I like what’s in my head and I like listening to the stories and the words and visiting the characters.

And I’m sorry if I figure out the movie plot twenty minutes into the movie and gripe about how ridiculously simple the plot was. I’m a writer, we dissect stories and pick apart characters for fun. So we tend to spot the storyline fairly quickly. Sorry, but typically Hollywood doesn’t put out tremendously complicated plots for their movies. I wish they did.

I’m terribly sentimental, and music can make me cry. So can a painting. Words. Words are everything to me. Kind, honest words written in response to something I wrote, said or did? Will make me ridiculously happy!

I’m too honest at times, and say things far too bluntly. I’m sorry for hurting your feelings, even if I haven’t yet, I probably will. Or staying silent when you wanted a word. I do love words, but my dear friend, sometimes it takes hours or days for me to think of how to say what I’m feeling. I feel, very much so, but I have a hard time translating that to words quickly. I promise you…once I give you words, you’ll know they’re heartfelt because I did take time to choose the right ones.

I think too much. Way too much. I will overthink anything you say to me and possibly go haring off in a direction that never even occurred to you when you said that just now. I read too much into things people say and often take the words said to me at face value. I expect you to be honest in what you say or write.

I don’t like flattery. Flattery is uncomfortable to me and I don’t take it seriously. Put a little constructive criticism in what you say to me and I’ll take it better.

I sometimes will go away for long periods of time to be by myself and clear my head. I need time alone to sift through my feelings and thoughts to find what I really think. I process slowly. I like to know the ins and outs of an idea, the whys and what will happen if.

I’m loyal. Ridiculously so at times. But if you lie to me and I lose trust in you, it might be a very long time before I trust you again.

If ever.

I don’t have a lot of friends, and that’s fine with me. The people I call friend are dear to me, and I trust them with my thoughts and feelings and dreams. I don’t want a lot of friends though. I like being able to really know a person and be able to share anything with them. That takes time and a lot of trust.

I don’t open up online much. This is the exception, done because I was told it would be good for me. I’m still not sure about that and if this disappears no one will be surprised.

I like listening. I like it when people tell me stories about their families or friends. I love listening to older people who have lived through …so much. It’s a gift when they open up, and I treasure that.

I love burgundy (the color), and Celtic music. I love the cello and want to learn to play the violin. I don’t want to live to be too old – I’m terrified of being the very old person with no memory of anything who can’t do anything for herself.

I’m not afraid of dying. I’ve been a hospice volunteer and sat at bedsides while people die. I’ve lost a my father, my grandmother. I’ll lose my mother in the coming years and I will cry for that because I love her very much.

I love science and I love Jesus. The two are not mutually exclusive in my mind. Science shows natural processes that were put in place. I don't have a problem if you disagree so long as you don't tell me I'm wrong. I believe what I believe and you can as well. Okay?

I love explosions and shows like Mythbusters. I love finding out why things work like they do. I'm awful at physics but love science and have a love/hate relationship with maths. I do not believe science can explain or know everything. I like that. I like knowing some things are too big, too immense and just ... Too much for us to grasp.

I think it's good to believe in something bigger, and better and smarter than humans. It keeps us humble and man, we could use more humility.

I don't like smug, pretentious, know-it-all people who push their program on others. I love to hear people who have opposing views because it's interesting to me to hear how they see the world. But tolerance is a two way street and I've found too many people who say that but will only walk one way and that's it.

I love the ocean and I love the deep woods, far, far away from campgrounds and roads, where it’s just you and the wind in the trees and everywhere you look there is nothing but trees and rolling land.

I always wanted to go to Australia. Maybe I still will, or maybe not. That doesn’t bug me like it used to.

Maybe I’m not so different. I’m not sure if that’s good or bad, but either way it’s okay. I’ve learned that most people are too caught in their own thoughts and too busy to really notice you. Odds are pretty darn good they didn’t notice you trip on the sidewalk or try to push the door that says pull.

Most people are decent and good and care. It’s the 2% they put on the news that scares everyone to death.

I’m learning to push my comfort zone a bit every day. So I’ll post this when I really don’t want to. I figure hardly anyone will read it and that’s okay too.

But if you are? Thank you. For coming along with this ridiculously long thing, and for giving me the gift of your time and attention. Happy New Year!

January 2017

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