I really identify with this in a lot of ways. I was raised Christian, but it never took. The same kids that were being held up as virtuous role models for me on Sunday, were the same kids that were making my life miserable Monday-Friday every single week at school. I also lacked any identity of my own; I was my grandmother's granddaughter, and that stifled me, because anything I did/said/asked reflected on her, and I was acutely aware of that (although she never would've punished me for something like that). If anything, I ran from the church and turned to paganism, because they didn't have a concept of Hell, which I was convinced I was bound for. I had this idea that... if I could be something else, I'd die, and not go to Hell. (I still remember a particularly angry declaration to God that I wanted to tear asunder any connexion to Jesus, that I didn't care--something that still horrifies me to this day, and makes me terrified of those people who say once you reject Jesus, there's no going back.)
But even after I became a Christian in my own right, it wasn't easy. I followed a very legalistic dogma; I'd make a type, and be convinced that it was a sin, because I hadn't done my best before God. It didn't help that at the same time, I was dealing with way too many people that wanted to "help"; the woman who told me that I didn't write, it was God. (Rather than, God gave me the ability to write, which is what I currently believe.) There was also a woman who told me if I wasn't baptised by immersion, and didn't come up speaking in tongues, I wasn't saved. (Because of this I asked my then-pastor if he would do baptism by immersion, God bless him he did--but I didn't come up speaking in tongues, and to this day I've only ever had one person tell me that I ever did in an unrelated circumstance, but I didn't think I was.) Strangely enough, at that time, it was my pagan friends who were the most accepting and helpful with my newfound faith. There are still many, many things that I struggle with to this day, fears of questions I don't want to ask, things I'm not sure how to understand, or if I do, how to live with. I just trust in His forgiveness and love and keep trying, even if it means keeping falling too.
*The one thing I will disagree with is that you can't be a Buddhist Christian. I think it's in how you mean it. I am a Christian first and foremost, I don't believe in reincarnation and many Buddhist teachings... but at the same time, I think you can apply some of their wisdom to your daily life, so long as it doesn't contradict Scripture. It's actually been quite helpful for me in dealing with a pretty quick and terrible temper.
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But even after I became a Christian in my own right, it wasn't easy. I followed a very legalistic dogma; I'd make a type, and be convinced that it was a sin, because I hadn't done my best before God. It didn't help that at the same time, I was dealing with way too many people that wanted to "help"; the woman who told me that I didn't write, it was God. (Rather than, God gave me the ability to write, which is what I currently believe.) There was also a woman who told me if I wasn't baptised by immersion, and didn't come up speaking in tongues, I wasn't saved. (Because of this I asked my then-pastor if he would do baptism by immersion, God bless him he did--but I didn't come up speaking in tongues, and to this day I've only ever had one person tell me that I ever did in an unrelated circumstance, but I didn't think I was.) Strangely enough, at that time, it was my pagan friends who were the most accepting and helpful with my newfound faith. There are still many, many things that I struggle with to this day, fears of questions I don't want to ask, things I'm not sure how to understand, or if I do, how to live with. I just trust in His forgiveness and love and keep trying, even if it means keeping falling too.
*The one thing I will disagree with is that you can't be a Buddhist Christian. I think it's in how you mean it. I am a Christian first and foremost, I don't believe in reincarnation and many Buddhist teachings... but at the same time, I think you can apply some of their wisdom to your daily life, so long as it doesn't contradict Scripture. It's actually been quite helpful for me in dealing with a pretty quick and terrible temper.
Thanks for sharing this. :)